Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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