Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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