So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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