Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
