I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
