I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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