you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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