That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
