Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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