so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
