Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
