fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
