Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
