Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
