who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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