It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
