At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
