if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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