no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
