wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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