I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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