god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
sarcasm needs its own font
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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