what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
