He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Randomize