hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
