I murdered the dance floor call the cops
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I need to calm my uterus...
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