dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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