I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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