Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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