i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
