I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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