Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
