Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
