The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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