I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
