she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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