so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
