Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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