Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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