You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
