shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
