i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Randomize
