Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
