I feel great
I just peed on a car
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize