i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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