I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
