She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
