Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
