Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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