I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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