Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
