I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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