I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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