he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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