God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
