my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
