I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
