living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
