When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize