We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
