this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
home. puking in laundry basket.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
