ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
