broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
