My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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