im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
