I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
