Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
