No awkward lesbian experiences without me
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
