Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
