if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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