I'm gonna have a badass scar
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Randomize
