apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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