good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
