I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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